A Very Special Lawson Thanksgiving
by redsandman99
Summary: James wants to have Thanksgiving dinner at his house. Connor wants to go turkey hunting. And Cooper, Mark and Glenn just want to live through the holiday.
1. Chapter 1

It was one of the few times of year Mark hated with an absolute passion. He wished that it would just go away. Celebrating it was a real bitch. It never led to anything but pure and total chaos and he got enough of that in his every day life. "I don't want to do this," he said with a sigh.

"I don't either," Glenn agreed. "I think we should run away."

"Do you think we'll get far?"

"Well seeing as how my knees and hips are better than yours, I know I will. You just might be fucked though."

"Thanks Glenn. That's really fucking helpful."

James turned around to glare at both of them. "Would you guys shut up and help me grab stuff? I'm shopping for a shit load of people here and I could really use some fucking help."

Mark sighed. James was hosting his own very special Thanksgiving dinner, which promised to not end well for anyone involved. He had tried to warn people not to come to it, but nobody was really listening to him (like usual). "Who all is going to be at this thing?" he asked, just so he could get a count on how many people's sanity would be lost on the fateful holiday.

James stopped and started counting on his fingers. "Well there's me, you, Crispy, Connor, Cooper, Princess Straightedge, Jeff, Matt, Chris, Randy, Cody, Ted, Evan, Jay, Adam, Hunter, Shawn Cena, Mor, Mizzie and Kofi. Oh, and Snoopy and Spike."

"Spike?" Glenn repeated.

"The goat," James clarified. "Connor's stupid ass goat who runs into the wall because it's retarded."

Glenn decided it was best just to drop that subject and he looked at Mark. "That's nearly two dozen mouths to feed."

Mark shook his head. "Given the way James and the boys eat, it's more like four dozen mouths."

James shot Mark an annoyed look. "You just keep your smartass comments to yourself. I'm throwing everyone a good fucking dinner and--"

"You can't even cook that well," Mark interrupted.

James waved his hands dismissively. "That is not the point and you know it."

Mark wanted to ask what the point was then, but he didn't. It just wasn't worth the effort. So, sighing in defeat, he took a look at the list James had made out. "Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, biscuits and pie," he read out loud. "For this many people, we're going to wipe this store out."

James nodded. "I figured that too. We might have to make trips to several stores to get enough for everyone."

Mark groaned. That was the last thing he had wanted to hear. Going to one grocery store with James and the boys was bad enough. Going to several made him want to kill himself. "Let's just get this over with," he said under his breath. He grabbed the cart and began walking away, doing his best to ignore the vein that was twitching right behind his eye.

"Oh come on Marky, don't be like that!" James whined. He quickly went after his pissed off boyfriend. "This is a holiday! You're supposed to be filled with cheer and shit like that!"

"First of all, it's Christmas I'm supposed to be filled with cheer," Mark snapped. "Second of all, this has got to be one of the stupidest ideas you have ever come up with. Cooking for us and the boys is hard enough, but now you want to add over a dozen people on top of that? Damn it Lawson, sometimes I wonder what the hell is going on in that brain of yours."

James scowled. "And sometimes I wonder why I even like you!" He grabbed a box of mashed potatoes and smacked Mark on the head with it before putting it into the cart.

Mark sighed. "Are you going to pout for the rest of the day now?"

The only response he got was another smack on the head from a different box of mashed potatoes.

"That's getting old already Lawson. I'm going to tell you that right now."

Six more boxes of potatoes went into the cart and each one was used to hit Mark with before they got in there.

"Fine!" Mark growled. "If that's the way you're going to be, then fine." He grabbed a whole bunch of boxes of stuffing and began smacking James with those. "How do you like that?" he growled. "Huh? You're not the only fucking one that can hit!"

"Fuck you Mark!" James replied. He grabbed two more boxes of potatoes and began beating Mark with those.

"You know, I'm going to go over to the bakery and get the dinner rolls," Glenn said quickly, obviously embarrassed by Mark and James's childish antics. "Those are always better than the frozen ones or the ones that come from the bread aisle."

Mark really didn't give a shit about the rolls right at that moment. What he did give a shit was that his boxes of stuffing were not causing James a sufficient amount of pain. Abandoning those, he picked up a can of peaches and chucked them as hard as he could.

"OW!" James yelled as it bounced off his thick skull. He quickly dropped his potatoes and picked up a can of fruit cocktail. One throw later and it hit Mark's collarbone.

"Son of a bitch!" Mark hollered. That fucking shit did hurt. Very unhappy now, he started grabbing more cans to throw. Unfortunately, James had the same idea, so they were soon having a full fledged can fight right in the middle of the aisle. The other poor customers had to run and duck for cover because they started getting hit with the cans that missed them. "Damn it Lawson!" Mark shouted at the top of his lungs. "Can't you knock it off?"

"Why don't you knock it off Marky?" James replied. "You started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did--"

"Dad! Mark! We have a problem!"

James and Mark stopped throwing the cans and turned around to see that Cooper was coming towards them. "Connor ran off," he informed them. "I turned around for one second to grab some of the pies we needed and when I turned back around, he was gone.

Mark groaned. Oh great. That was the last thing they needed. "Shit, we got to find him."

"I don't think we'll find him here," James said with a sigh. "He's probably already left the store."

"Yeah, that's what I think too," Cooper agreed. "He's got one thing on his mind at this point."

Mark rubbed his eyes. He already knew what that was. It was the same thing Connor did every year, no matter how hard they tried to get him to stop. "Turkey hunting?" he guessed.

"Turkey hunting," the two Lawsons said with a nod.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Connor was on the run. He wasn't sure how much time he had before the others came chasing after him so he had to move fast. He had left the store so he could accomplish one thing and one thing only: he wanted to find and kill a turkey. Getting a turkey at the store was no fun because not only did they already have the turkeys dead, but they had also skinned and froze the bodies all up. Now some people liked that, but he was not one of them. Thanksgiving was not Thanksgiving unless he killed a turkey or two.

"Gobble gobble gobble," he sang under his breath. "Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble--"

His cell phone ran, interrupting his turkey song. He took it out of his pocket and pressed the button to answer it, but he didn't say anything. He just put it up to his ear and listened.

"Connor?" It was Cooper calling. "Connor damn it, where are you? You know you can't do this bullshit. Come back to the store right now so we can go home."

Connor kept running away from the store, amused by the fact Cooper thought he would listen.

"Damn it Connor, don't do this!" Cooper yelled. "Don't answer the phone and then not say anything! That's not even funny."

"Gobble?" Connor said, giggling because he knew that he was just going to piss Cooper off more. "Gobble gobble?"

"No gobble gobble!" Cooper snapped. "Now get your gobble ass back here before I gobble kick it so hard you'll be seeing gobbles!"

"Boy what the fuck are you saying?" Mark could be heard asking.

"Oh shut up!" Cooper told him. "Connor gets it."

Connor did get it and he was not a happy camper about it. "Gobble gobble gobble!" he said angrily. "GOBBLE GOBBLE!" He hung up the phone and put it away. Stupid Cooper. He was an asshole. Oh well, he could be dealt with later. Right now, there were turkeys that needed to be killed and there was precious little time to do it.


	2. Chapter 2

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: ****I do not actually condone this kind of turkey hunting. I just write it because my Connor muse is insane and likes to kill things.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh Gobbles," Connor cooed. "Gobble gobbles. Come to me pretty little gobbles. It's time to play with me." He was still turkey hunting, but it wasn't going that well. All the turkeys were hiding from him. Stupid turkeys. How could they hide from him like that? He had never done anything to deserve that. Pouting, he wondered if he should just go home. It was starting to get dark and more than a little cold. But ultimately, he decided against it. If he went home now, the others might not let him back out to start turkey hunting in the morning. And that would be no fun at all.

"Besides, it's the day before Thanksgiving," he muttered to himself. "There's no time to waste by not looking for a turkey."

So, with that firmly settled, he continued his search. And while he was searching, his mind wandered off to thinking about dinner tomorrow night. Lots of people were coming. Lots and lots of people. That was okay though because he liked the people in one way or another. Sure Miz was annoying but he took his United States championship belt everywhere he went, so that meant it was ripe for the stealing. And Phil would be there, which meant that he was fair game to be tormented. He giggled. Tormenting Phil was fun. He screamed in such a pretty way, even though he was all hairy and not pretty anymore.

Connor suddenly stopped walking. About ten to twenty feet in front of him, there was a group of wild turkeys walking around. _Jackpot!_ he thought happily. He got his knife out of his pocket and slowly began to creep towards the turkeys. Years of doing this told him exactly how he needed to get this done. He needed to be quiet, and once he was close enough, he needed to move fast. Chanting gobble gobble in his head, he struck with a precision that could only come from years of experience in the turkey hunting business. The turkeys didn't see him coming until he jumped on them. He landed directly on top of one, killing it right on impact. He stabbed a second one in the side, making it fall over and start bleeding all over the ground. The third one he was able to grab by the neck and he choked it until he heard its neck snap.

The three remaining turkeys gobbled and ran away like chickens. Connor didn't care about them though. The three turkeys he had killed were big ones, which meant that they would be that much more tasty. "Gobble gobble gobble," Connor said happily as he picked up the turkey bodies and began carrying them towards home. "Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble...."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Why in the world did you wait until the day before Thanksgiving to do your shopping? I mean seriously, that's irresponsible! And exactly how are you going to cook all those turkeys at once? The oven isn't going to hold all of them. Oh God, this is going to be a disaster. I just know it. I should have--"

James banged his head against the cupboard. Phil had arrived and he was freaking out over absolutely nothing. Trying his best to resist the urge to stab the princess, he looked at the others. Mark appeared to be fighting his own homicidal urges, Glenn wasn't even listening to what his boyfriend was whining about, Cooper had left the room and Jeff was looking for something heavy to hit Phil in the head with (nobody really knew why Jeff was there already....they just found him waiting to be let in when they got back from the grocery store).

"There's no way you pull this dinner off James. I mean, there's twenty some people that are going to be here tomorrow and I've seen you cook and it's not--"

Cooper came back into the room holding a giant dildo. Without hesitation, he shoved it directly into Phil's mouth, gaggint the Straightedge Superstar. "Shut the fuck up," he ordered. "Or this will go the rest of the way down your throat."

"Hey!" Glenn protested. "Don't put that in his mouth! God only knows where that's been!"

"It's brand new," Cooper said with a roll of his eyes. "It hasn't been anywhere bad."

Jeff looked at James. "Why do you guys have so many dildos anyway? I mean, I've seen all of your dicks at one point or another and trust me, you guys don't need them!"

James smirked. "I know we don't, but you never know when one will come in handy. I mean, take this as an example! Phil would still be running his mouth if it hadn't been for the dildo."

"Oh no he wouldn't," Mark muttered. "I was just about to kick his fucking head in if he kept it up."

Glenn shoved Cooper away from Phil and removed the dildo from Punky's mouth. Phil coughed and rubbed his throat while glaring at Cooper. "You're an asshole!" he said angrily.

Cooper smirked. "Tell me something I don't know."

Mark grinned. "You were conceived on the kitchen counter."

Cooper's eyes widened and he made a disgusted face. "Shut up you!" he yelled, turning around so he could punch Mark on the chest. "Nobody told you that you could speak!"

Mark was about to say something back at him, but at that moment, Spike came running into the kitchen at full speed. He was making all sorts of frightened sounds and in the midst of his running away, he skidded across the hard floor and banged his head against the cupboard under the sink. Snoopy ran in a few seconds later, and he began pouncing at Spike and acting like he was going to bite the shit out of the goat before running back in fear.

"Wow....Connor's animals sure are special," Glenn commented as Snoopy continued his little thing and Spike started repeatedly headbutting the cupboard.

"Yeah, they're just like him," Phil muttered.

James glared at the younger man. "What did you just say about my boy?" he asked angrily. He had actually heard the comment but he was going to act like he didn't to see if Phil had the balls to say it again.

Phil gulped. "Nothing," he said nervously.

"He said Connor is a retard," Jeff said gleefully. Ever since he started spending so much time with James and the gang, he had grown to love tormenting Phil just as much as they did., so he had no problem fibbing just to get the princess in trouble.

"What?" Phil squeaked. "I did not!"

James took a menacing step towards Phil, who quickly hid behind Glenn. Glenn put up his hands, ready to fight James if he had to. "He said Connor was special," he growled. "And you know that's true."

"Oh I know it," James assured him. "But you tell the hairy princess to keep his comments to himself, or he's going to end up missing a few body parts. You got that?"

Glenn glared at James and James glared right back at him. Mark chuckled and shook his head. "I swear, if you two don't have a reason to look like you want to kill each other, you wouldn't be happy."

"So seriously, how are we going to cook the turkeys?" Cooper asked. "That would be good to figure out before morning."

James looked back at the three giant frozen turkeys that were thawing on the counter. "I was thinking we could stick one in the oven, deep fry the second one and put the third in the cockpot."

Jeff giggled. "The cockpot?"

"Yeah." James blinked as everyone gave him strange looks. "What did I say? Why are you people looking at me like that?"

"It's called a crockpot Dad," Cooper said. "A crockpot, not a cockpot."

"Oh." James shrugged. "Crocks, cocks, what's the difference?"

"There's an "r" in crocks," Jeff said helpfully.

Phil poked his head out from behind Glenn's large frame. "Frying a turkey is going to make it really fattening. You are going to clog up our arteries and make us have heart attacks."

"Well looking at your hairy chest every time I watch Smackdown makes me want to spew," James replied. "Seriously, when are you going to shave that thing?"

Phil touched his chest defensively. "That's not any of your business! It's my chest!"

"Yeah, but you're starting to look like a rapist," James replied.

Glenn tilted his head to the side. "A rapist?"

"Just go with it," James hissed.

"Glenn, tell him to leave me alone!"

Glenn sighed. "Honey, you can keep the beard, but the chest needs trimming. I'm sorry, but seriously, it does. It's getting ridiculous."

That was all anyone else needed to hear. Before Phil could get over the betrayal Glenn threw at him, Cooper picked him up from behind and started carrying him towards the bathroom. "Put me down!" Phil yelled, kicking and swinging his fists wildly. "Glenn!"

Mark grabbed Glenn while James and Jeff ran into the bathroom after Cooper. Jeff locked the door behind them while Cooper and James forced Phil's shirt off his body. Phil was fighting both of them but he was losing pretty badly. "Hold him," James ordered as he grabbed the shaving cream and razor.

Phil whimpered and tried to break free from Cooper's strong grip. "James come on, I can do it myself! You don't have to do this to me!"

"Yeah, but it's fun to make you whine like a bitch," James replied. He shook the can of shaving cream before applying a whole bunch of it to Phil's Grizzly Adams chest. "Now you might want to hold still," he warned the raven haired man. "Or my hand might slip and then we're going to have a big mess on our hands."

Phil gulped and went still. Jeff giggled at the look on his face and began poking his former in ring rival in the face just to bug him. James did the shaving as quickly as he could, cutting Phil more than once in the process. "Ooooh, there's blood," James said happily as he had Jeff wipe Phil's chest off.

"You're an asshole," Phil said unhappily.

James patted him on the head. "You know you love it. Now about that beard--"

"Lawson! You might want to get in here!"

James frowned at Mark's tone of voice and left the bathroom to see what was going on. He found Mark and Glenn still in the kitchen, only now Connor was with them. Connor's knife hand was stained with blood and he was holding on to three dead turkeys (who were being sniffed by Snoopy and Spike).

Connor giggled and held up the turkeys. "I won!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Let's eat!"


	3. Chapter 3

At about three in the morning, Cooper felt something crawl into bed with him. That didn't make him very happy at all because he really wanted to get some sleep. So at first, he decided to just try to ignore whatever it was and hoped it would go away. But then he felt a pair of hands sleep underneath his shirt and start pinching his sides. At that point, he knew there was no ignoring this person because it was a little asshole just asking to get his head ripped off his shoulders. "Connor, I suggest you leave me alone," he growled, opening his eyes and moving the covers off his body. "Or we're going to have a serious fucking problem."

Connor, who was laying on top of him, began to giggle. "I'm bored Cooper," he announced.

"Well that's not my problem," Cooper replied. "Now unless you're going to hop on my dick, get the fuck out of my room."

Connor pouted his lips. "But Cooper, I can't sleep when I'm bored. I need someone to play with me."

Cooper sighed. "Look, Dad and Mark have to get up in just a few hours so they can start cooking all those turkeys. We can't play tonight because we'll wake them up. So go to bed and get some sleep. We can play tomorrow."

"But I want to play now!" Connor whined. He hit Cooper on the chest. "You're going to play with me now!"

"No I'm not," Cooper replied. "I'm going to sleep." To prove his point, he shoved Connor off of him, reclaimed his blanket and closed his eyes.

Connor huffed loudly and stormed out of the room. Cooper wished that would be the end of it, but he knew Connor too well to believe that to be the case. So he just rested his eyes as he waited, wishing he could be an only child. About ten minutes of cursing his parents for having sex, he heard his door open again. "I will spank you for whatever you're planning to do Connor," he said without even opening his eyes again. "And it won't be a fun spanking. I will fucking make it hurt really bad."

Connor let out a loud whining noise. "You're mean Cooper! I'm gonna go play with someone else now!"

"Good!" Cooper said as Connor stormed out of the room again. "Damn brat." Cooper got back into a comfortable position and actually managed to fall back asleep. While he was sleeping, he dreamt that he, Jeff and James went to a zoo to visit Connor, who had run away to live with the monkeys. And while they were there, they also saw Mark, who had turned into some weird half hyena, half snake. Then they saw Glenn, who was setting children on fire for the enjoyment of their parents. And then, to cap off their visit, they visited Phil, and they got to poke him with sticks and everything. Phil whined and bitched the whole time, and it sounded so real that Cooper could have sworn it was really happening. In fact, the whines were almost too good and they were getting louder and louder and--

"CONNOR! GET AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW!"

Cooper's eyes snapped open. _Oh shit, that's not good._ He glanced at the clock. It was officially 4:07 in the morning and Connor had done something to Phil that made Glenn bellow like a madman. That was not a good thing. Rolling out of bed, Cooper left his room just in time to see Connor running away from Glenn. "What did you do?" Cooper asked Connor.

"I'll tell you what he did!" Glenn growled. "I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, I found your demon spawn of a brother molesting Phil!"

Cooper blinked, a bit taken aback by that. "Are you serious?"

"He was all lonely!" Connor said defensively. He hid behind Cooper, somehow believing that Glenn wouldn't go straight through him to finish with the throttling that was surely in store for his insane ass. "Besides, you never let me top you Cooper and I want to top!"

Cooper backed up, his brotherly instincts taking over in an effort to keep Glenn from chokeslamming Connor straight to hell. "Glenn look, just go back to bed," he said quietly. "If Dad wakes up to the sound of you trying to kill Connor, he's going to be unbearable to be around later."

Glenn glared at him and Connor. "You keep him away from my Phil," he growled. "Or I promise you, he's going to be cooked and served with dinner later."

Connor sneered and was about to open his big fat mouth to say something nasty before Cooper shoved him not so nicely into his room. "You are a moron," Cooper said in a tired and annoyed voice. "Bugging Phil is one thing but molesting him is another--"

"I was not molesting him!" Connor whined. "I was playing!"

"Connor, do you understand what molesting is?"

"Uh.....it means I'm doing something with a mole?"

Cooper smacked Connor on the side of the head before pulling him over to the bed. "You're going to sleep here with me tonight," he said, his tone leaving no room for questioning (but this was Connor, so there would be questioning because he had to be difficult like that). "And you're going to behave because Glenn will murder you if you touch Phil again."

"But Phil was liking it until he opened his eyes and realized it wasn't Glenn!" Connor whined. "But then he woke up and almost screamed and I had to put a knife to his throat so he would keep quiet and then Glenn came in--"

Cooper layed down on the bed and then pulled Connor down with him. He wrapped both his arms and his legs around his younger brother so the little bastard couldn't get up and cause more trouble. _Oh fuck,_ he thought as Connor kept babbling about how mean Glenn was. _This is going to be one long fucking night._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"James. James. Wake up. Come on, those stupid fucking turkeys aren't going to cook themselves."

James groaned and buried his face into his pillow. "Leave me alone," he said, his voice muffled from the pillow. "I sleep now."

Mark groaned and shook James harder. "Damn it Lawson, you're the one who wanted to have this stupid Thanksgiving dinner, not me. So get your ass up so we can actually eat tonight."

James shook his head and pulled the blanket over his head. He did not want to get up at all. This dinner was a stupid idea. What had he been thinking when he decided to do this. _I should have at least picked something to eat that took less time than turkey,_ he said to himself. _That would have been a whole lot better._ "You cook Marky," he said sleepily. "You cook and I sleep."

"No, I'm not cooking while you sleep," Mark growled. He yanked the covers off of James and smacked him really hard on the ass. "If you do not get up right now, I swear on my life that I will make your life a living hell. And don't even try to say I'm joking because you know better than that."

James groaned and reluctantly got out of bed. He absolutely despised waking up early. It just felt wrong and unnatural to him. "Marky I hate turkey day now," he said miserably.

Mark sighed. "James stop it. You sound like Connor."

"I don't care!" James replied. "I'm tired and I'm going back to bed!" He tried to do just that but Mark grabbed him and tossed him over his shoulders. "Marky!" he exclaimed, not even sounding like himself because he was so tired. "I'm not liking you right now!"

"Yeah, well I'm too tired to give a shit!" Mark replied. He carried James out of their room, down the stairs and then into the kitchen. "Now you're getting one shot to wake your ass up on your own," he said as he set James back on to his own two feet. "And I suggest you take it, because if I have to help you wake up anymore, I'm going to be a real asshole about it."

James rubbed his eyes sleepily while glaring at Mark. "Fuck you Marky," he said before stumbling over to the frozen turkeys that had been let out to thaw during the night. "I get these ones and you get the ones Connor gave us."

"Fine, whatever," Mark said. "Just as long as you stop being a lazy asshole and actually help me."

"Oh fuck off," James replied tiredly. He stared at the frozen turkeys, trying to remember what the fuck he had wanted to do to do with them. _One was going in the oven, another was getting fried and the third....oh fuck, what was that thing called again? It had to do with pot and a cock...no wait, that's not right. Crockpot! Yeah, that's it!_

Mark snapped his fingers in front of James's face. "Earth to Lawson. What the fuck are you doing?"

James blinked, not realizing that he had spaced off. "I'm sleepy Marky," he said as he walked into the pantry so he could get the crockpot and the fryer out.

"Damn it Lawson, I know that already!" Mark said, clearly frustrated with James at the moment. "Believe me, I'm just as tired as you are right now. But do you hear me whining like a little bitch?"

"I'm not whining like a little bitch!" James growled. He got the fryer out and put it on the counter and then went into the pantry to get the crockpot. It was up on the top shelf and he had to move a whole bunch of other shit out of the way just so he could get his hands on it. "You--"

Connor suddenly began to scream, which scared the fuck out of both James and Mark. The crockpot slipped out of James's grip and fell directly on top of his foot. "Son of a bitch!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He picked it up and hurled it out of the pantry. Mark had to duck for cover as it hit one of the cupboards above the counter and then fell to the floor.

"Jesus Christ James!" Mark yelled. "You probably just broke it!"

James really didn't give a rat's ass at the moment. His foot hurt so bad that he couldn't stand it. Connor let out another scream, which made him start hopping to see what the hell was going on. "Connor!" he yelled "What the--"

Connor came running down the stairs. "It's snowing!" he shouted gleefully. "I go play now!"

"Connor you idiot!" Cooper yelled as Connor went running out the front door. "You come back here and get your coat on right now!"

James stopped and groaned. did his foot really just get broken because Connor creamed himself because of snow. "Son of a fucking bitch!" he yelled angrily. "I hate this fucking holiday!"

"Lawson--"

"I said I hate it!" James repeated. "I hate it I hate it I hate it!"

Mark stared at him for a bit before sighing. "I'm assuming I'm cooking on my own now?"

"For now you are," James muttered. "Right now this Humpty Dumpty needs to put his fucking foot back together again."


	4. Chapter 4

Connor ran around in a circle with his tongue sticking out. He was trying to run away from Cooper while catching snowflakes on his tongue. Unfortunately, not only were the snowflakes avoiding him, but Cooper wasn't giving up on trying to catch him.

"Got you!" Cooper yelled triumphantly, tackling Connor to the ground from behind. "Now you're going to get this coat on damn it!"

"No!" Connor screamed at the top of his lungs. He began trying to force Cooper to get off of him. "Rape! Rape! Jeff help me! Cooper's about to rape me!"

Jeff shook his head. "Sorry Connor, but I'm not getting in the middle of this. I know better than that."

"Useless bastard!" Connor snarled. He looked around and saw their neighbor Mrs. White coming out to get something from her car. "Ra--"

Cooper shoved Connor's head into the ground really hard. "Scream rape again and I'm going to give you a real reason to scream," he threatened.

Connor whined and struggled uselessly as his coat was forced on to his body. "I don't like the coat!" he whined. "The coat isn't nice! Cooper, you're being mean!"

"I don't care," Cooper replied. He stood Connor up and zipped up the coat. "It's cold and you are not playing out here without one."

Connor pouted. Cooper was such a dick. "Snoopy, Spike, get him!" he ordered.

Spike just stared at him while Snoopy rolled over so Jeff could give him a belly rub. "Aw, he's so cute!" Jeff gushed happily.

"Hey! Who said you could pet my puppy?" Connor demanded to know.

"He did!" Jeff replied.

"He did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Would you both just shut up?" Cooper yelled. "I'm sick of all the yelling!" He shook his head and watched as a car approached. "I think someone else is coming..."

"Matty!" Jeff yelled happily. "It's Matt and Addy!"

Connor tilted his head to the side. Matt and Adam were here already? Why were they here now? Dinner was like...like...well Connor didn't know when dinner was going to be because he wasn't good with time and all that other bullshit. He just knew that it was too early for Matt and Adam to be there. _Hmmmm...the infidels are trying to infilitrate our base of operations! That's the only reasonable explanation! Grrr! They're not going to get away with this!_

Matt parked the car and he and Adam got out of it. While Jeff was running over to greet his brother, Connor tackled Adam to the ground and scared the shit out of the poor Canadian. "Got you!" he snarled. "I got you, you infidel!"

Adam stared at him with wide, frightened eyes. "What? I'm not a infidel!"

"Silence! I will not tolerate your lies!" Connor yanked on Adam's hair until he screamed. "Dirty liar! Tell me who sent you!"

Cooper grabbed Connor by the scruff of his neck and yanked him off of Adam. "What in the hell are you doing?" he yelled. "We do not attack Adam! We like Adam!"

"But Adam and Matt are the infidels!" Connor whined.

Cooper gave Connor an exasperated look. "Connor, do you even know what an infidel is?"

Connor thought really really hard about it. "Uh....no...." he finally said. "But I know it's not good!"

Matt and Jeff helped Adam up to his feet. "Are you okay honey?" Matt asked, being gentle with his Rated R Superstar.

"No," Adam said, rubbing his scalp while glaring daggers at Connor. "I'm tired and cold and now I have to be afraid for my life because the voices told Connor that I was an infidel."

Connor rolled his eyes. Adam was such an idiot sometimes. "For the last time Addy, I don't hear voices! That's Randy and that's not his fault. He has...um...he has...sycho--"

"Randy does not have schizophrenia," Cooper told Connor. "The whole voices thing is just part of his entrance music."

"Yeah sure, whatever." Connor didn't believe Cooper for a second. Cooper had told him that there was no Santa Claus yet Santa showed up at the mall every year to take pictures and ask kids what they wanted for Christmas. _I'll have to help Randy get rid of those voices. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I may be insane but even I know that hearing voices is not a good sign. But until he gets here..._ "TAG!" he shouted suddenly, nearly shoving Jeff on to his ass. "You're it!"

"Hey!" Jeff protested loudly. "That's not fair! I wasn't ready yet!"

Connor didn't care whether it was fair or not. He just cackled loudly and took off running. "Nah nah nah boo boo! You can't catch me!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, I'm seriously going to chokeslam someone here," Mark growled. "I'm not even kidding right now. These turkeys are driving me insane."

"Calm down Mark," Glenn ordered. "It's not that bad."

"It's not that bad?" Mark repeated incredulously. "How can you even say that? James BROKE the fucking crockpot and there's no way that all six of these turkeys are going to get cooked before dinner."

"Yes they fucking will," Glenn insisted. "You want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I fucking said they will, that's why."

Mark rolled his eyes. God, Glenn was such a fucking moron. "Oh that's just great. I'm glad someone died and appointed you the ruler of the fucking universe. Thank fucking God you are here or we would be in some serious fucking trouble!"

Glenn glared at him. "Being a little cunt nugget is not going to solve any of our problems Mark!"

"Cunt nugget?" Mark repeated in disbelief. "What the fuck is a cunt nugget?"

"You."

"You fucking ass licker. I'm going to take one of these turkeys and shove them up your--"

"How about you don't finish that sentence?" Matt said as he and Adam came into the kitchen. "I actually want to be able to eat later on."

Mark frowned. "When the hell did you get here?"

"Just now."

"Connor attacked me because I'm an infidel," Adam said, obviously very upset about that. "And now he's playing tag with Jeff while Cooper watches." He looked around. "Where's James? Shouldn't he be cooking since this is his dinner?"

Mark shook his head. "The crockpot broke James's foot so he murdered it. Now he's sitting in the living room bitching and the last I checked, Princess Straightedge was showering because he was trying to wash away the violation."

"That what?" Matt said in confusion.

"Connor molested my Philly," Glenn growled. "He's going to pay dearly for that, but I'll have to save that for later." He not so nicely shoved Mark towards the door. "Go check on James. Matt and Adam can help me."

Adam made a whining noise."Help? I have to help? I'm Canadian damn it! This isn't even my Thanksgiving!"

Matt rolled his eyes. "Honey, you are in a house full of psychopaths. You're going to do what they say when they say it."

"Damn right you will," Mark muttered. He gave Adam a nasty look before leaving the room. "James?" he yelled. "You alright?"

There was no answer. Mark grumbled under his breath and went all the way into the living room. He found James sitting on the couch with his foot propped up. The psycho was watching a football game. "Is it really that hard to answer me Lawson?"

"Yes," James replied without hesitation. "It really is." He looked down at his foot. "Marky it hurts."

Mark rolled his eyes. "I told you to let me take you to the hospital."

"No! No hospital! I hate hosptials."

"I know but--" Mark stopped and looked back as he heard the front door bang open. Two sets of feet could be heard running up the stairs and then, about two minutes later, Phil was screaming bloody murder. "Oh now what?" Mark asked. He began running towards the source of the screaming.

"Wait for me!" James shouted. "Damn it, I'm crippled and can't move as fast!"

Mark ignored him and started sprinting up the stairs. Glenn was right in front of him and Adam and Matt were behind him. The bathroom door was open and Connor and Jeff were messing with Phil, who was trying to get them out of there. "Glenn!" Phil shrieked. "They won't leave me alone!"

"Connor god damn it!" Glenn snarled.

"Uh oh!" Connor exclaimed. He tried to run away but Glenn caught him and tossed him back into the bathroom. He went in, shut the door behind him and locked it to keep the others out. Mark almost kicked the door down but then he decided against it. "You guys take care of it," he told the others. "If he's going to be in there kicking some ass, I'm going to have to go back to making dinner.

"But Mark!" James protested as Mark walked away. "What about Connor?"

"Well he should stop molesting other people's boyfriends!" Mark replied. "It's just that simple!" _Ugh, what am I saying? This is Connor we're talking about. What's simple and common sense to us might as well be rocket science to him. Damn kid. Oh well though. The food isn't going to cook itself._


	5. Chapter 5

Before Glenn went to attack Connor and Jeff for disturbing Phil, he, Adam and Matt had actually gotten two of the turkeys started. Mark got the third one going and almost had the fourth one ready to go when Glenn came back in. "How much damage did you do?" Mark asked.

"I chokeslammed Connor, scared the living shit out of Jeff and stomped on James's foot when he tried to hit me," Glenn replied. "So I think I did pretty good for myself."

Mark groaned. "You know, I was on your side until the James thing. Now I have to do this." He picked up a wooden spoon and smacked Glenn on the head with it.

"Ow!" Glenn yelled. "That hurt!"

"Well you deserve it!" Mark snapped. "James's foot is broken! You don't need to be doing that to him!"

"He would have done the same thing to me if he would have had the chance," Glenn said defensively.

"That is not the point."

"Well what's the point then?"

"The point is you need to stop your bitching and help me with these fucking turkeys!"

Glenn muttered unhappily under his breath but did what he was told. They managed to get the remaining turkeys started (Matt had wisely brought another crockpot and fryer with him---he had lived through a dinner with James before and knew that cooking appliances were not the psycho's best friend) and the hope was that a least a couple of them would be done somewhat on time.

The doorbell rang, signaling that someone else had arrived. "I got it! I got it!" Connor yelled at the top of his lungs. He had apparently recovered from the chokeslam he had received. "I got it! I--EWWW! We're being overrun by Canadians and men who wear too much baby oil!"

Mark had to laugh at that. Jay, Chris and all three members of Legacy had arrived. "Come on, let's go see them," he told Glenn.

"Why?" Glenn asked. "We see them all the time!"

"Yeah, but I want to get the fuck out of this kitchn you dumb mother fucker," Mark snapped. "Jesus Christ, do I have to explain everything to you?"

Glenn flipped him off and Mark started to reach over and smack him upside the head. He froze however when he saw Connor and Jay standing nose to nose, neither of them moving or blinking whatsoever. "Uh...what the hell are they doing?" he asked.

"Connor won't let us go further until the inspection is done," Ted explained. He and Cody were making sure to keep some distance between themselves and Connor. They were freaked out by the baby of the Lawson clan (not that Mark blamed them---even he got freaked out by Connor sometimes).

Randy was leaning against Chris, obviously trying to fall back asleep on the older man's shoulder. Chris however, was not having any of that. "Get off of me you assclown!" He jerked his shoulder away from Randy, causing the younger man to fall forward on to the floor.

"Ugh!" Randy groaned in frustration. "Chris you're an asshole! I just want to sleep!"

"Well sleep somewhere else!" Chris replied. "I'm not your damn pillow!"

Cooper, Phil and James (who had found some old crutches and were now using them to help get him around the house) came to see what was going on. Mark noticed a little gleam in Cooper's eyes as Randy got up to his feet. The oldest of his many biological children was staring at Orton like he was a piece of meat or something. _Oh boy...if Randy comes out of this unraped, I will be shocked as hell._

"I wouldn't sleep if I were you Randy," Phil said, glaring at Connor while he did so. "Some people might try to touch you inappropriately."

Connor finally turned away from Jay so he could glare at Phil. "I bite," he announced.

Mark rolled his eyes. That was Connor's favorite threat and it just worked like a charm on Phil. The raven haired man hid behind Glenn and whimpered.

"So did I pass the inspection?" Jay asked eagerly.

Connor nodded. "Yup."

"Yay!"

"Connor!" Jeff yelled from upstairs. "I found your Candyland game!"

Connor let out a whoop before grabbing Jay by the hand and leading him upstairs. Randy rubbed his eyes and looked at Mark. "Please tell me you have a spare bedroom around here," he said tiredly.

"Don't worry, we do," Cooper assured him. "Come on, I'll get you set up there."

Mark shook his head as the two of them walked off. "Has Randy ever bottomed before?" he asked Ted and Cody.

Cody blinked in surprise. "What?"

"You heard me boy."

Cody looked at Ted before looking back at Mark. "Uh....uh..."

"Well if he hasn't, he's going to real soon," Mark said. He looked at James. "Come on, I want to watch the game," he said.

"But I see another car coming," James objected. "I wanna see who it is."

"And I said I want to watch the game," Mark snapped. "Now come on! Glenn can let whoever it is in."

James almost looked like he was going to keep arguing, so Mark just tossed the slightly younger man (he only had two months on James when it came to age) over his shoulder and began carrying him into the living room. "Hey!" James protested. "Put me down right now Mark! I mean it!"

"Oh shut up!" Mark ordered, smacking James on the ass for emphasis.

"Is it bad that I want to laugh right now?" Ted asked Cody.

"I wouldn't risk it if I were you," Cody told him. "You--Chris! You idiot! Stop that!"

"I can't!" Chris said while gasping for breath. "It's too funny!"

Mark didn't even stop to turn around and glare at Jericho. He just carried James into the living room, which was where Adam and Matt were making out on the loveseat. "Knock it off you horny bastards!" Mark ordered as he dumped James on to the couch. "Or I'll rip off your lips and put them down the garbage disposal!"

Matt and Adam broke apart so they could glare at him. "What's up your ass today Mark?" Adam asked in a whiny voice. "I mean I know this whole thing is stressful for you and stuff, but we weren't hurting anything! We were just kissing."

"Yeah, but your kissing leads to touching and that touching leads to sex," Mark pointed out. "And James and I are the only people allowed to have sex on any pieces of furniture in here."

Matt's eyes widened. "So wait....EWWWW!" He jumped up to his feet and pulled Adam up too.

Mark rolled his eyes. "I clean up after us you fuckheads! I'm not a cave man like James is."

"Fuck you Marky," James growled.

"Shut up Lawson."

"No seriously Marky, I want to fuck you. Get your ass over here."

"Get up and make me asshole."

"Uh wait a second!" Cody objected. "You guys can't--" He stopped as James and Mark both glared at him. He squeaked and quickly buried his face into Ted's shoulder. His boyfriend for nearly a year and a half wasn't very sympathetic.

"Dumbass!" Ted hissed. "You can't tell them what to do! If they want to fuck in front of us, they damn well will!"

"Wow, a member of Legacy talking sense," Chris muttered. "I guess the baby oil hasn't fried his brain completely yet."

"OW! Let me go you Big Red Retard! I am the Miz and I am--" That sentence was cut off by the speaker making a loud choking sound.

"Yeah! Get him Glenn! Show him who's boss!"

"Shut up Phil! Mike, apologize! Glenn, let him go!"

Mark rubbed his eyes. Mor's orders were going to be falling on deaf ears. Glenn and Mike didn't really get along. Mike was always loud and obnoxious (really not all that different from his Miz character) and Glenn didn't put up with it. Of course, having Princes Straightedge cheering from the sidelines was not going to help keep the peace. _Someone kill me now,_ Mark's brain begged. _Please, someone just shoot me in the face so I can finally get some peace and quiet._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You know, I wish Candyland was a real place," Jay said. "That would be really sweet."

Jeff nodded in agreement. They had this conversation every time they played this game. "The only thing I would want though is Skittles. Candyland can do away with the plum dude and the peanut brittle bitch. Skittles are totally better than that stuff anyway."

Connor snorted. "Skittles suck. Chocolate is way better."

Jeff's head snapped up so fast that his neck cracked loudly. "What did you just say?" he asked in a low, dangerous voice.

"I said chocolate is better than Skittles," Connor replied. "And you know it's true."

"How can you say that?" Jeff asked, very upset by his friend's comments. "How? Skittles are the god of candy and chocolate is just its servent!"

Connor rolled his eyes. "Chocolate beats the rainbow out of Skittles any time, any place! You would understand that if you weren't a complete dumbass!"

"Guys stop!" Jay said when he saw that Jeff and Connor were seriously about to tear into each other. "This is getting stupid. We all know that licorice pwns all, so there's no need for this fighting."

Jeff just stared at Jay incredulously, unable to believe what had just been said. Connor didn't even bother to look at Jay. He just grabbed the Candyland board and smacked the Canadian in the head with it. "No!" he scolded. "Bad Jay! Do not speak this blasphemy in my presence. Chocolate beats licorice and Skittles, so--"

"IT DOES NOT BEAT SKITTLES!!" Jeff howled. He jumped on Connor and began hitting him wildly. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! YOU TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!"

"NO!" Connor shouted. He easily tossed Jeff across the room. The Enigma bounced off the wall and landed on the floor with a painful thump. He tried to get back up but suddenly he found himself being pulled into a full nelson. "Ha!" Connor said triumphantly. "I got you!"

"NOO!" Jeff said as he tried to fight his way free. Connor's grip was way too strong though. "Let me go! Jay! Jay help me!"

Jay let out a scream as he jumped on Connor's back and put him into a headlock. Connor began thrashing around wildly, which caused him to jerk Jeff around too. Jeff screamed in pain, Connor screamed in frustration and Jay screamed in terror.

"WOULD YOU THREE SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Randy yelled. "I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!"

"Make us!" Jeff, Connor and Jay shouted back at the same time.

About thirty seconds later, Cooper came in carrying his belt. "I'll fucking make you shut up," he said, raising the belt in a threatening manner. He shut the door behind him and grinned evilly.

Jeff gulped. _Oh shit, we are so screwed._


	6. Chapter 6

Randy tossed and turned on the bed he was trying to sleep on. The screams coming from Jay, Jeff and Connor had gone away, but he still couldn't fall asleep. It was almost like he was way too exhausted to get any rest. _This is frustrating!_ he thought miserably as he buried himself deeper under his blankets. Why was this so fucking hard? If he didn't get some sleep soon, he was seriously going to go insane. That wasn't even a joke. He was going to go insane and it wasn't even going to be a James or Cooper level insane. It was going to be a Connor kind of insane.

The bedroom door opened and Randy sat up to see who was coming in. "That should keep them quiet," Cooper said smugly.

"What did you do?" Randy asked.

"I beat them with a belt and then tied them up and stuffed ball gags into their mouths." Cooper smirked and walked closer to the bed. "The little brats thought they could triple team me but it didn't work out so well for them."

"Oh." Randy really had nothing else to say to that. He sighed and he laid back down. "Do you guys have any sleeping pills or anything? I seriously cannot get to sleep right now."

"I think we have some pills somewhere," Cooper replied. "But I don't think you should go to sleep just yet."

"Why not?" Randy whined. "I'm tired!" His eyes widened as Cooper sat down on the bed with a gleam in his eye. _Uh oh, what is he up to? It's never a good thing when a Lawson has that kind of look in his eye._ "Cooper?"

"You know, I'm glad you decided to take your shirt off," Cooper told him. "It makes what I'm going to do next a whole lot easier."

"What are you--" Randy was shocked to say the least when Cooper kissed him. In fact, he was so shocked that he just kind of sat there and let Cooper do it for a moment. Then he pushed the younger man away and stared at him in shock. "Okay, hold up! What the hell are you doing?"

"Well I was kissing you," Cooper told him. "And then I was going to take off your pants--assuming you're wearing any--and then I was going to fuck you."

"Yeah okay, that's not going to happen," Randy said qucikly. "I don't bottom to anyone. Now if you want me to fuck you--"

Cooper laughed. "Randy, if I wanted that to happen, I would have made sure it would have already. No, what I want is your ass and I will get it today. The only question is, will you give it up easily or are you going to make this more difficult than it needs to be?"

Randy could see that Cooper was completely serious about this. Freaking out, he rolled off the bed and tried to make a break for the door. Cooper easily caught up with him though, and he soon found himself being shoved up against the wall really hard. "OW!" he said loudly, hoping that somebody just heard that. "Cooper stop it! This isn't funny!"

Cooper smirked. "Good thing I'm not joking then."

"You're insane, you can't go around--" Randy found himself being cut off by another kiss. He kept trying to shove Cooper off of him, but the bastard was refusing to go anywhere. So he tried to bite instead of kiss back. That actually just made Cooper bite him in return, which really fucking hurt. "Cooper come on," he whined as he was tossed back on to the bed. "This isn't fair! I don't wanna do this!"

"Are you sure about that?" Cooper replied. He climbed on top of Randy and pinned the Legend Killer's hands above his head. "You know what? Let's make a deal. If I can't make you hard within the next minute, I will go away and we'll forget this happened. But if I succeed, you're ass is mine Orton."

Randy gulped. He didn't really like the sound of that deal, but he didn't think he had any choice but to agree to it. "Fine," he said. "But you can't cheat by touching my dick."

"Oooohhh, I like how you think that stipulation is going to make a difference." Cooper laughed before kissing and sucking and biting at Randy's neck. Randy squirmed around underneath the assault. Cooper was finding all sorts of sensitive spots that he didn't even know he had. _Oh crap,_ Randy thought to himself as he felt his cock beginning to stir. _This is not fair. This has to be cheating....damn it why does it have to be one of the psycho boys on top of me right now? I could try to get an advantage right now if I wasn't afraid of getting gutted for it._

Cooper scraped his teeth along Randy's pulse and that was it. Randy was definitely hard at that point. "Haha, I win," Cooper said happily. He pulled back some so he could remove Randy's jeans and underwear.

Randy covered his face up with his hands. This was not happening right now. It seriously could not be happening. "You tell anyone about this, I'll punt you in the skull," he threatened. "I'm not even joking right now."

"Oh shut up Orton. I'm not afraid of you or your punting skills."

Randy peeked at Cooper from between his fingers. Cooper was getting undressed, and as much as Orton hated to admit it, the guy was definitely nice to look at. "Do you at least have some lube or something?" Randy asked. That came out a lot more like a whine than he had meant for it to.

Cooper snorted. "Lube is for pussies."

Randy wanted to protest that statement, but Cooper started kissing him again, dominating his mouth completely. He finally tried to kiss back, mainly because he wanted to try to get at least some sort of control back. But that didn't work out so well for him. Cooper wasn't giving up any control whatsoever. Finally he just gave in completely, not actually hating the kissing part but definitely apprehensive about what was coming next. "Relax," Cooper ordered. "It's not going to be that bad."

"Yeah, says you!" Randy pointed out. "There are more normal ways to go about this you know!"

"I know, but when has anyone in my family been known for being normal?"

"Don't spoil my argument with that good po--MOTHER FUCKER!" Randy yelled as Cooper entered him without any warning. "Oh damn it to fucking hell!"

Cooper burst out laughing. "You've got a filthy fucking mouth Orton."

"Well that hurt!" Randy whined. "You're an asshole!"

"I know," Cooper replied. "It's what I'm good at."

Randy glared at him as he began thrusting into him really fucking hard. This hurt like a bitch, but he didn't keep trying to push Cooper off. He figured if he tried that, he would just piss the killer off and land himself into some real hot water. So, in an effort to keep his mind off the pain shooting up his lower back, he initiated a kiss with Cooper this time. He could have sworn he heard someone laughing from the other side of the door, but he didn't have time to dwell on that. Despite the pain, he was starting to find some pleasure in this. _This is seriously fucked up,_ he thought to himself. _I'm seriously fucked up right now._

Cooper hit Randy's prostate dead on, causing the Legacy leader to arch his hips up. Randy closed his eyes, his cock aching terribly. "Cooper--"

"Stroke yourself," Cooper ordered. "Now."

Randy gulped and did what he was told. Cooper immediately started thrusting faster, and one more stab to Randy's prostate sent him over the edge. "Holy shit," Randy gasped, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head.

Cooper slammed into him a couple more times before coming himself. He smirked and pecked Randy's cheek. "Now see, was that so bad?"

Randy sighed. "You're still an asshole." He closed his eyes for a moment and he had the intention of opening them again. But within seconds, he finally manged to drift off to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hunter laughed as he dragged Shawn away from the door. The two of them had arrived at the Lawson house not that long ago and they had overheard what had just happened to Randy. "I like Cooper like ten times more than I did before," he announced. "Nobody's made Randy a bitch like that since me."

Shawn shook his head. "I feel dirty now. I don't think that was right."

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad. You're just being way too sensitive." Hunter wrapped his arms around his lover. "You know what we should do? We should find our own little room and--" He stopped talking when he heard muffled screaming coming from a nearby room. "Do you hear that?"

Shawn nodded. "I think it was a ghost."

"Ghosts aren't real Shawn."

"They are in movies and TV shows!"

Hunter rolled his eyes and opened up the door he thought the screaming coming from. When he peeked into the room, he found Jeff, Connor and Jay all tied up on chairs and their mouths had ball gags stuck into them. "What the hell?" he said.

Shawn peeked in too. "Wow," he said. "They actually are somewhat quiet. It's a Thanksgiving miracle!"

Hunter nodded in agreement. People thought he and Shawn were annoying, but the three people in front of him were much worse. "We must leave them here," he told Shawn. "We must leave them be and spare our ears."

Connor, Jeff and Jay all glared daggers at Hunter as DX shut the door. "So what do we do now?" Shawn asked. "We still have some time before the food will be ready."

"We do what we should have done a long time ago," Hunter said gravely.

"Run out of this madhouse while we still can?"

"No, but close. We must punish Kofi for pretending to be a black Jamaican when he's actually a black African."

"Oh. And how do you propose we do that?"

Hunter grinned. "Just follow my lead and everything will work out just fine Shawny."


	7. Chapter 7

When Kofi had arrived at the Lawson's house with Evan, he had seen the look that DX gave him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. He immediately knew that they were up to no good. They had been on his case ever since they had found out that he was actually from West Africa instead of Jamaica. They took the creative team's decision to say he was from there as a personal insult he had made against them for some strange reason. He had tried reasoning with them a thousand times, but words never got through to them. They absolutely refused to listen to him.

_I gotta distract them somehow,_ he said to himself as he stayed as close to Evan as possible. Bourne wasn't much of a human shield, so a new plan needed to be thought up of as soon as possible. Spotting James limping towards him, he decided to do the smartest thing he could possibly do: buddy up to the psycho and sic him on DX.

"Hey there James," Kofi said as loud as he could, making sure that DX knew who he was with now. "You okay man? Mark didn't try to break your foot now, did he?"

James shook his head. "No, the stupid crockpot did that. I think it might be broken, but I can't say if it is or not for sure."

"Oh man, that sucks," Kofi said. He looked over at DX, who were giving him nasty looks.

That ended up not being lost on James. "They're giving you shit again?"

"They're planning on it," Kofi confirmed. "I know that look in their eyes way too well. I'm about to be in big trouble here real soon."

"James!" Evan yelled. "Miz and Morrison are playing with your weapons!"

James groaned. "Those little fuckers....here, let me help you out Kofi." He took a step towards DX, who immediately backed the hell up. "If you do something to Kofi Bear over here, I'll cut off your heads and mount them on my wall. You got me?"

Shawn's eyes widened. "Do you think he means that?" he whispered loudly.

"I don't know," Hunter whispered back. "But don't worry. I'm going to take a page out of your book and save our asses." He took a bottle out of his pocket, took off the lid, walked over to James and shook it so the water got all over the psycho killer. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"

James blinked and looked at Hunter like he was insane. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Crap! That didn't work!" Hunter looked back at Shawn. "Your stupid holy water didn't do anything!"

Shawn gave Hunter an exasperated look. "Did you actually get that water blessed by a priest? That's the only way it's actually holy water."

Hunter looked surprised by Shawn's words. "Wait, it needs to be blessed by a priest? You taking a drink out of it isn't enough?"

Kofi rolled his eyes. Hunter was so clueless sometimes.

"James!" Evan yelled again. "Someone is going to get stabbed here!"

"Good!" James yelled back. "Let them kill each other!" He tapped Hunter on the shoulder. "Helmsley?"

Hunter looked back over. "What?"

James smacked him upside the head. "If you ever try to spray me with holy water again, I will make you eat your own spinal cord. Do you understand me?"

Hunter nodded quickly.

Kofi grinned. Oh yeah, it was good to have a psycho on his side. It made his life so much easier.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Guys stop!" Evan ordered. "Someone is going to get hurt!"

He went completely ignored of course. Mor and Mike had found two machetes and they were fighting with them while Ted and Cody cheered them on. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Someone was going to get stabbed. He just knew it. Mor and Miz were too stupid NOT to stab each other on accident. _I should just let them do it. That'll teach them._

"How dare you trespass in the Palace of Wisdom!" Mor yelled, jumping on the couch and getting his footprints all over it. "The Palace of Wisdom is not for you to go into uninvited!"

"I was invited you idiot!" Mike replied. "I'm the Miz and I'm awesome!"

"Yeah!" Cody cheered. "You tell him Miz!"

Ted smacked Cody upside the head. "Shut up Rhodes! Miz is not awesome! Miz is an idiot! Morrie is much better than him!"

"Don't hit me!" Cody yelled, elbowing Ted in the ribs. "Bastard!"

Ted smacked Cody on the leg. "Cocksucker!"

"Ass licker!"

Mor and Mike stopped their fighting so they could glare at Legacy. "Hey! Would you two keep your sex lives to yourself?" Mor asked in an annoyed voice.

"Yeah," Mike agreed. "This is about us, not you two fugly sons of bitches."

"Hey!" Cody shouted as he and Ted jumped to their feet. "We're not fugly!"

"Yeah!" Ted agreed. "You take that back right now!"

"No!" Mor refused. He and Mike held up the machetes they had gotten a hold of and acted like they were going to start using them at any moment.

Ted and Cody looked at the machetes, looked at each other and looked at the machetes one more time before grabbing weapons of their own. Ted's weapon ended up being a lamp and Cody's ended up being a plastic baseball bat.

"Okay, hold on a moment!" Evan said, getting into the middle of all the madness. "Everyone just stop! This is ridiculous! Someone is going to get hurt here!"

"Oh shut up Evan!" Cody snapped. He attempted to smack Evan in the head with the baseball bat but Bourne quickly ducked and kicked Cody in the balls. That set Ted off and Evan was forced to start running for his life so he didn't get a lamp drilled into his head.

"CHARGE!" Mor and Miz shouted at the same time. "CHARGE!"

Evan rolled his eyes. Dear God, he was surrounded by idiots. He really was.

XXXXXXXXX

"But Glenn, I'm horny!" Phil complained. He tugged on his lover's arm and tried to drag him upstairs to their room. "Come on, Mark won't miss you at all. He's got dinner under control."

Glenn sighed and refused to budge. "Mark still needs me honey. Dinner's going to be done soon--"

"Which is why he doesn't need you anymore! It's almost time to eat!"

"Phil stop being a brat and go get Adam and Matt. They're supposed to be helping us but they disappeared."

"Will you ravish me later if I do it?"

Glenn grinned and kissed Phil on the forehead. "Sure honey. I'll gladly ravish you if you get Adam and Matt like a good boy."

Feeling a little better with that promise, Phil wandered off and began his search for the missing couple. He looked around downstairs and managed to find Evan being chased by a lamp wielding Ted and Cody being chased by Mor and Miz (who had machtes), Hunter and Shawn trying to bless a bottle of water and Kofi and James attempting to Boom Drop a struggling Chris. But there was no sign of Adam and Matt. Grumbling under his breath, Phil went upstairs to continue his search. In one room he found Randy sleeping and in another he found Connor, Jeff and Jay all tied up and gagged (he left them that way of course). Then, after that, he heard lots of moans coming from a different room. "Oh you have got to be kidding me," he muttered. He knew those sounds. Matt and Adam were having sex. "Damn bastards." He had to stop them. Thinking quickly, he went into the bathroom and filled the balloons Connor always kept in there with cold water. Smirking at what he was about to do, he went to the room he heard Adam and Matt in, he kicked the door open and began pelting them with the balloons. "Break it up bitches! Break it the fuck up!"

Adam yelped and tried to shield himself as best he could. "Phil you asshole! What the hell is your problem?"

"You're supposed to be downstairs helping Glenn and Mark so I can get sex later!" Phil replied. "So get moving!"

Matt got to his feet and glared at Phil. Phil chuckled nervously before taking off running. The older Hardy was right on his heels. _Oh shit...this is not good, this is not good at all..._

XXXXXXX

_Why do people keep leaving us tied up?_ Connor asked himself. _This is not fair...stupid bastards._ He began rocking back and forth in his chair, grunting as he fell over to the floor. That hurt his left shoulder like a bitch since he landed mostly on it. But the good news was, his rope was coming loose. He strugged with it a little more, finally managing to slip one hand out of his restraints. Once he did that, he was able to get himself out of the chair easily.

"Mother fucker!" he exclaimed once he got the ball gag out of his mouth. He quickly untied Jeff and Jay. "We're going to get Cooper for this!"

"Damn right we will," Jeff agreed.

"But with what?" Jay asked. "He kicked all three of our asses without trying."

Connor grinned evilly. "Oh don't you worry. I've got a secret weapon that will send that son of a bitch running. Just you wait and see."


	8. Chapter 8

Mark sighed as he and Glenn started getting the food all set out on the counter. It was dinner time and almost everything was done. There was still one turkey that wasn't really done, but Mark just to said to hell with that one. He had made some extra side dishes to compensate for the turkey that was going to get done late. "Thank God Cooper had the sense to get us pies and shit that were already made," he muttered under his breath. "I don't know what we would have fucking done if we would have had to make desert too."

"Yeah really," Glenn agreed. He looked towards the kitchen door. "Damn it, I sent Phil to get Matt and Adam awhile ago. He should have found them by now."

Mark snorted. "Why would you ask Phil to do anything? He's not actually good for anything but being your sex toy."

Glenn shot Mark an annoyed look. "That is not true! You are just saying that because James doesn't like him."

Mark rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to argue with Glenn about Phil again. Personally, Princess Straightedge annoyed him to no end and he didn't understand why Glenn bothered to put up with him. But he also knew that Phil made Glenn happy, so he did his best to put up with the younger man. Of course James and the boys really didn't do that great of a job with putting up with Phil, but they hadn't killed the boy yet. That was something at least.

"Glenn!" Phil shouted suddenly. "Glenn help me!"

Glenn groaned. "Oh God, what now?" he muttered.

The Brothers of Destruction soon found that out the answer to that question. Phil came running into the kitchen and a soaking wet Matt and Adam followed him, hell bent on getting their hands on him. "Save me Glenn!" Phil begged. He hid behind his large pale lover. "They're going to kick my ass!"

"You're damn right we will," Matt growled. "Who the hell throws water balloons at people anymore?"

"Yeah!" Adam agreed. "You don't interrupt our sexy time by--"

"Sexy time?" Mark said loudly, cutting Adam off. "You were having sexy time when you were supposed to be helping me and Glenn with dinner?"

Adam and Matt gulped. They knew they were busted.

"You little bastards!" Mark yelled. He reached out and smacked the both of them upside the head as hard as he could. "Can't you ever keep it in your pants? Brooks, you officially now have my permission to do whatever you want to them."

"Really?" Phil said hopefully. This was new for him. Usually he was tormented endlessly and not able to do anything in retalliation for fear of getting gutted. "Awesome!" He picked up a spatula and held it up above his head. "Prepare to feel the pain you sons of bitches!"

Before any pain could be dished out, more screaming could be heard coming from another part of the house. Seconds later, Ted came in chasing Evan with a lamp. And just after they ran out through the other door, Mor and Miz came in chasing Cody with machetes.

"HEY!" Mark bellowed at the top of his lungs. "PUT THOSE DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

Mor and Miz ignored him and ran out of the room completely. Almost immediately after they were gone, Shawn, Hunter and Chris came in to hide behind both Brothers of Destruction.

"Save us you parasites!" Chris exclaimed.

"Oh yes, that's going to inspire them to help," Hunter grumbled. "Fucking big word using jackass. I ought to hit you in the head with Sledgey."

"You named your sledgehammer Sledgey?" Phil said with a giggle.

Before Hunter could answer that question, James and Kofi came in wearing football helmets and holding water guns. Mark blinked several times, trying to figure out if he was really seeing what he thought he was seeing. When he realized he was, he shook his head and sighed. "What in the hell are you doing Lawson?"

James glared at him. "Ssshhhh! My name is not Lawson! It is Captain Morgan!" He pointed to Kofi. "And here is my sidekick Jim Bean."

"I thought I was Jack Daniels," Kofi said with a frown.

"No, Cooper is Jack Daniels. And Connor is Lt. Bacardi. Now don't question me again!"

Mark rubbed his eyes. He wasn't even going to make sense of what James was doing. There was just not going to be any point in doing that. It wasn't like there was going to be a lot of sense to be found anyway. "Come on, the food is--"

"OW!" Cody screamed. "Damn it Mike! You weren't supposed to cut me with that!"

"Oh for the love of God..." Mark muttered. He quickly ran out of the room to see what had happened. He ended up finding Mor and Miz standing over Cody in the hallway, who was clutching his bleeding arm. "So help me God, if that's been nearly cut off..." he started to say.

"It was only a graze!" Mike said defensively. "He's just being a big baby!"

"It is not a graze!" Cody whined. "It's an actual fucking cut you jackass!"

Mark snatched the machetes out of Mor and Mike's hands before punching them both in the face. "You fucking idiots! He's going to get blood all over the carpet now!"

Glenn rolled his eyes. "Wow Mark, I'm so glad your priority is the carpet and not the poor kid who's currently injured right now."

"Well I just got this carpet cleaned damn it!"

Matt shook his head. "Ted! Randy! You're precious Cody has gotten hurt!"

Ted came running as fast as he could. He no longer had the lamp in his hands and Mark had the feeling that it had been busted over Evan's head. "Cody? What happened to my Coddles? I'll kill whoever hurt him!"

"Just take him to the bathroom and bandage his arm up," Mark ordered. "And then get your ass to the dining room. The food's done and it's going to start getting cold if we don't sit down and start eating it."

"Aye aye Captain!" Ted said. He pulled Cody up to his feet and began dragging him off to the bathroom.

"Hey!" James objected. "I'm the captain here, not him!"

"Oh God, not that captain crap again," Cooper groaned as he joined them. He had a nearly unconscious Evan slung over his shoulder. "Dad I swear, sometimes you're just as bad as Connor."

"Am not!" James said defensivly.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

Cooper rolled his eyes and set Evan down on his own two feet. "Oh just shut up Dad." He slapped Evan across the face a couple of times. "You going to be okay Bourne?"

Evan rubbed the back of his head before nodding. "Yeah...stupid Ted hit me really fucking hard. I'm going to get him for that. I really will."

"That's great and all, but everyone get their asses to the kitchen so you can all help me carry the food to the dining room," Mark snapped. If people did not start listening to him within the next few minutes, he was going to start swinging. He wasn't even playing around anymore. He was planning on seriously hurting someone within the next few minutes.

Almost as if they sensed what he was thinking, they all followed him into the kitchen like he wanted them to. But that little bit of sanity and obedience didn't last long. Jay and Jeff were in the kitchen and they looked really pissed off. "You're a bastard!" Jeff yelled at Cooper. "How could you beat us up and then tie us up like that?"

Cooper pretended to think about that question really hard. "Hmmm...well, let me see...oh, here's the answer: you were being to loud and distracting me from raping Randy!"

"You raped Randy?" Chris said.

"He did," Hunter confirmed. Shawn nodded along with him. "We heard it with our own two ears."

Jay glared at DX. "You two just need to shut your mouths. You guys are in trouble with us too. You fuckers just left us there all tied up!"

"Yeah!" Jeff agreed. He pointed at Phil. "And so did you, you son of a bitch!"

Phil put his hands on his hips. "Well what are you going to do about it?"

Jeff and Jay grinned. "We're not going to do anything," Jay informed the princess. "Connor is going to take care of everything for us."

Mark immediately did not like the sound of that. He was about to ask them why in the hell would they leave that kind of thing up to Connor when a really loud noise cut him off. He tilted his head to the side and listened even more closely. "What in the blue hell is that?" he asked.

James took off his helmet. "It sounds like....oh my God..."

Glenn crossed himself and began praying.

"What?" Evan asked. "What is it?"

The kitchen door was kicked open all of a sudden and in came Connor, who was carrying a chainsaw. "Time to die mother fuckers!" he shouted gleefully. He lunged at them, causing everyone to start running like hell. Even Jeff and Jay started running (obviously they did not know Connor was going to bring a chainsaw into all of this. "Connor put that down!" Cooper yelled as he kept moving to stay out of his brother's and the chainsaw's reach. "This is not funny!"

"Oh yes it is!" Connor insisted. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha--see how I'm laughing jackass? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--OWIE!"

Mark skidded to a stop and turned around in time to see that Cooper had recklessly speared Connor down to the ground. The chainsaw flew out of Connor's hands and flew into the curtains, tearing them both up to shit. Mark immediately ran over there, grabbed the weapon and shut it off. "Damn it Lawson, this is why I told you we shouldn't buy this fucking chainsaw!"

"But I wanted it!" James whined. He looked down at his boys, who were now wrestling all over the floor. "Hey! You two knock it off!"

"He started it!" Cooper yelled.

"I did not!" Connor denied. "You did it!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Hey! I don't give a rat's ass who started it because I'm going to be the one that finishes it if you don't knock that shit off right this second, I'm going to be the one that finishes it!" James bellowed.

That made Cooper and Connor stop in their tracks. Every time James had to step in and settle their scuffles, it usually didn't end too well for the both of them. "Meanie!" they said at the same time.

Mark blinked. That had actually been really fucking creepy. "Uh....I'm going to go eat now. I suggest you all join me."

Cooper and Connor both grinned and got up to their feet. "Marky," they said at the same time. "Oh Marky..."

"Knock it off!" he growled before storming back into the kitchen to get the food.

The boys laughed as everyone else followed him. Besides from a few snide comments going back and forth between Hunter, Shawn, Jay and Jeff, they all managed to get everything to the dining room and start getting people served without too much problem. Cody and Ted joined them just a couple minutes later and then, just as people were starting to eat, Randy came in with Snoopy and Spike.

"Ow," Randy said with every step he took. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow..."

Cooper smirked. "You okay there buddy?"

Randy glared at him. "I hate you," he said quietly. "I really fucking hate you."

"Hey man, don't hate just because you got made into a bitch," Phil said with a laugh.

Randy shook his head. "I wouldn't talk if I were you Brooks. You're more of a bitch than I'll ever be."

"Yeah really," James said with a mouth full of food.

"Lawson!" Mark growled as he saw bits of turkey flying out of James's mouth. "That's disgusting!"

"No, that's not disgusting. This is disgusting." Chris leaned over towards Kofi's plate and stuck his tongue into the mashed potatoes that were there."

"You fucking bastard," Kofi snarled. He smacked Chris on the head before trading their plates.

Chris's jaw dropped. "How dare you do that you little tapeworm! That was my food!"

"Well now it's mine," Kofi stated.

"But I want it back!" Chris whined.

Kofi picked up what was Chris's turkey and began licking it. "You still want it now? Huh? You still want it now?"

Glenn used his fork to poke the green bean casserole. "I don't think you cooked this right Mark."

Mark glared at his little brother. "What are you talking about? I cooked it just like the recipe said to do it."

"Well it doesn't look right," Glenn replied.

Phil picked some of it up with his fork and examined it closely. "Ew, it's greasy!" he complained.

"Oh my God, it is!" Shawn gasped.

Hunter wrinkled his nose. "It looks like you added a whole tube of lube into the thing Marky."

Mark smacked his fist into the table. "First of all, do not call me Marky! Second of all, I did not put lube into the casserole! And third of all, if you did not help me make it, you do not have the right to complain about it!"

That outburst quieted everyone down for a few minutes. But that wasn't meant to last long. Not with the way Connor was looking back and forth between Randy and Cooper. "So since Randy is now Cooper's bitch, does that mean he's going to have a baby?"

Cooper, who had just taken a drink of beer, spit it out all over Evan's face. "Hey!" Bourne yelled, sputtering and trying to get the alcohol out of his eyes. "Watch it Cooper!"

Cooper ignored Evan in favor of staring incredulously at his little brother. "Okay, how many times are we going to have to keep going over this? Men cannot have babies. Women are the only ones that can."

"Oh." Connor pointed to Phil. "So is Princess over here going to pop one out any time soon?"

Phil's jaw dropped as Glenn choked on his food. "I am not a woman!" Phil objected. "You should know since you molested me last night!"

Connor rolled his eyes. "For the last time, there was no mole involved in that incident!" He looked down at his food and pouted. "I don't want this no more. I want pancakes."

Mark froze. He really hoped he did not just hear that.

"Pancakes!" Connor said again when nobody responded to his request the first time. "I want pancakes!"

"Well too bad," Cooper replied. "Nobody here is going to make you pancakes!"

"Yes they will!" Connor insisted. He gave James a hopeful look.

James shook his head. "You're not getting pancakes Connor. You're eating what's on your plate."

"But I don't want it!" Connor whined.

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Oh God, would you shut up? You're not getting the fucking pancakes and that's final!"

Connor's eyes narrowed. Mark recognized that look all too well. Before he could do anything to stop it though, Connor picked up his plate and hit Cooper over the head with it. That stunned Cooper for a moment, but he quickly shook it off and tackled Connor out of his chair. The wrestling match was back on.

"Matty?" Jeff said suddenly. He was sitting across from his older brother.

"What?" Matt said nervously.

"Surprise!" Jeff took a handful of cranberry sauce and threw it on Matt. It hit Matt right in the face. Matt immediately flung some mashed potatoes back at Jeff. Then Jay decided to get in on the action and throw some green bean casserole on Adam. Adam tried to respond by hitting Jay with potato salad, but Mike ended up getting hit instead. And then before any control could be regained in the situation, a full fledged food fight broke out.

"Son of a bitch!" Mark yelled. He grabbed his plate of food, got up and got as far away from the table as he could. This was not what was supposed to be happening. Why couldn't they have a normal fucking dinner? Was that really too much to ask?

_Wait, what am I thinking? Of course it's too much to ask! Look who's all here!_ Shaking his head, Mark took his food and went to the living room. He wasn't even going to try to make them stop. He was just going to let them do whatever they wanted and make them clean it up later. _We are not having a Christmas dinner. I don't care what Lawson says. I'm not going through this shit again if I can help it._


End file.
